So this past week has had ‘the hottest July day in (however many) years!’ And one person pointed out to me that her coconut oil was now pure liquid. Hurrying home, so found that mine looked like water. It was a great demonstration of physical properties, though my plan to just soak the rope bag in the oil went out the window.

It was yesterday that I decided to write this piece; reasons why having sex in summer is just the worst…

1) There’s no slow, sexy undressing.

It’s hot; you’re barely wearing anything already, so there’s no strip tease, and we would all rather just tear straight out of the few clothes we have on.

2) it’s too hot for human contact.

You’re hot, miserable and craving ice cream, now is not the time for touching of any nature.

3) you’re both *strangely* sticky.

Sensual striking results in juddery motion as bits stick to your clammy skin.

4) The heat is exhausting

And you just want a nap.

5) you’re sunburned and every touch feels like fire.

6) Senses in overload

Everyone is stinky at the end of the day, you’re sweaty and slippery in a bad way. All that moisture means your bodies are making unsettling noises.

7) everyone’s fashion is functional over sexy.

Yep. Socks and sandles, joggers with ‘juicy’ on the butt, or dark clothing with sweat stains… no mystery, no intrigue. And lace is the itchiest bullshit when it’s hot, so no sexy underwear either.

8) your summer bod is your least sexy self.

You’re still gorgeous (because obviously you are, dear reader), but heat rash, blisters and sunburn, combined with dodgy tan lines are all working against you.

9) and you’re covered in insect bites.

Bastard insects!

10) fans and open windows.

To keep cool, you need to risk a cold breeze when the fan angle changes or hearing people outside getting irate because of the heat.

And finally…

So remember: Keep Cool, Stay Sexy.

-LaRas