5 signs you may be polyamorous
Nita, the head organiser of Polyday suggested during our recording of the last podcast episode that I write a piece called ‘ten signs that you may be polyamorous.’
Well I don’t necessarily have ten points which I can put here, but I do have five common traits which I can pull from the experience of so many poly people around me.
So here we go; if you have ever assumed that you were just bad at relationships, but you love love, I think you should think about these points.
Let me know how many of them align with you and your experiences.
1) You don’t fear commitment
Ok, so you love meeting new people and connecting with them, making the person you are with happy, but every time it comes to a committed, long term, monogamous relationship, you stumble somewhat.
Now my personal experience says that it wasn’t because I feared commitment: I actively embraced it, wanted it, but something about those getup a never felt quite right for me. I likened the feeling to one of being trapped or caged.
I could never reconcile the fact that one fulfilling relationship meant the loss of all others and the thought of asking a partner to change to fit me was one that filled me with dread: if I needed them to change, maybe I was in the wrong relationship?
Of course, during university, I found out about polyamory, and it was like I had found the answer to the question I had never really asked; what do I want and need in relationships?
There are those who still see it as akin to sowing my wild oats or cheating, but no: I am 100% committed to my loves, I envision a future with each of them in it and I absolutely feel no hesitance when it comes to my relationships with them
2) You have always felt capable of loving multiple people.
So one of the reasons I started looking for the phrase ‘committed non monogamy’ was that a few of the relationships I had been in had a common trait: I had fallen into that grey area of potential-cheating.
To be clear, I never broke the sex with other people while in a committed relationship rule, but I had lied to myself and my partners about my feelings for other people.
I felt lust, I felt love, I was betrayed and heart broken by events. These feelings destroyed relationships, flirtationships and friendships over the years.
What I did come to realise is that I didn’t believe that loving one person excluded me from loving others. I thought I was broken somehow, like I was wrong for believing and feeling this, but over time I came to realise that my relationship with *this* person didn’t detract from my relationships with this *other* person.
3) Being tied down gives you anxiety
Not literally being tied down, but the metaphoric ‘being tied down to one person’.
If you’re anything like most poly people I know, you have seriously questioned whether you’re actually able to commit to one person forever. Not just once, but multiple times.
It’s not that you don’t want to build a life alongside someone else, it’s just that you don’t want that dynamic to cut you off from other fulfilling experiences.
It’s not that you feel that this relationship is unfulfilling, but you think that you have a lot to learn from different people and you don’t want to be cut off from those opportunities
4) You have many varied desires which no one person could fulfil.
Humans are complex creatures with many varied needs. Sometimes we need cuddles and sometimes we need paddles. Someone who understands because they are exactly like you and someone who challenges because they are your exact opposite. Someone who is good for you and someone who is bad for you (hopefully in a good way).
You are varied and complex, and you crave connections which fulfil these different parts of you, integral personality traits which require different personality types to meet those needs.
The flip side of this is that you have a lot of things to offer other people: you can be someone’s soft and comforting, or someone else’s wild and dangerous.
In the same way that you don’t want to experience one kind of love all the time, you don’t want to *give* the same kind of love all the time.
5) You are fine with your partner being with other people…
One of the best parts of my poly experience is hearing about my partners adventures, from the food they share, the sex they have, to the ‘doing nothing’ days. I love hearing that my partners are happy.
Yes, everyone feels envy and jealousy to some extent, but if you know that your partner is committed to you, you wouldn’t have any problems with them exploring other people. Sound like you? It’s a typical poly mindset.
If you value your partner’s happiness over anything else, and actively feel relief that your partner is getting their needs met, even if it’s from elsewhere, you may well be poly.
This also frees you up a bit to be yourself: many people feel that once their personality has been established in a relationship, they have to be that person indefinitely. When you know that your needs and your partner’s needs are being met, you are both freed up to change and evolve in the relationship as you need to.
So your turn to go away and do some introspection: how much of this speaks to you? How much of your own experience lines up with this?
Comments and questions can be sent to LaRasa.firstname.lastname@example.org, check out the Facebook page and remember: Stay sexy.