5 top BDSM myths debunked

By LaRasa,

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So, HAPPY NEW YEAR and welcome to the first Hetaera post! Woo!

I’ve had this one simmering for a while: ever since the 50 shades books and movies brought these myths to my attention.

If you are debating starting down the BDSM path, or you have found that someone you love is kinky, these are the top 5 misconceptions to leave behind…

#1 – Only Women Are Submissive.

Interesting fact: I know more male submissives than I do female ones. I myself am a switch (vanilla translation: I can be either submissive or dominant depending on the circumstances).

Gender and persuasion are no more linked than kettle colour and hat size.

Spend enough time at play parties (always a great passtime) and you’ll see more men getting flogged than women. This may be selection bias with men feeling more comfortable with public play than women, but the point remains that submission has no links to gender.

#2 – BDSM is Abuse.

Whilst there are certain legal precedence which would suggest that it is seen as such under the law, those in the scene will be able to draw a very strict line between violent fetishes and abuse:

Consent.

As a general ‘best practice’ guide, people often say that

A) Consent should be clear: no ambiguity over what is acceptable in a scene and what is not. An example of this would be agreeing to protected sex. If the condom is removed *during* sex without prior agreement, this is a non-consentual act and is thus abuse.

B) Ideally, consent should be granted multiple times: all parties involved should talk before, during and after a scene to make sure everyone is ok with all of the activities. If someone has agreed to something before play but has hesitations in the moment, that is them withdrawing consent.

BDSM is a physical manifestation of desire, best performed in a healthy, consentual environment. It may be the more dark and dangerous desires we have, but it can also be something as simple as kissing.

#3 – There is no abusive BDSM.

On the flip side of number 2, it should be noted that abuse can happen in BDSM based relationships.

Regardless of age, gender, sexual preferences or particular fetish, abuse can happen.

Many of us who live the lifestyle agree that any dominant who abuses their submissive is not a dominant. The inverse is true as well: submissives who abuse their dominants are abusers as well.

Not all abuse is physical. Sometimes it takes the form of words, other times conditioning, occasionally actions. Be on the lookout and beware abusers.

#4 – Subs need to enjoy pain.

Not quite. The name for people who enjoy pain is masochist, though you can have dominants who are masochists and subs who are sadists, but each person is different.

Add into this mix the fact that there are a range of different types of pain and you have a whole range of different options.

Picture this as more of a pick ‘n’ mix assortment: you may like a whole range of things while the next person enjoys a few small treats. Everyone is different.

#5 – People use BDSM to deal with their issues.

Well… Sometimes?

A couple of my partners call me Daddy. Not because any of them have daddy issues (if they did, this would actually be a red flag for me) but because I provide similar feelings of comfort, acceptance and love.

Yes, sometimes your issue is that it’s been a hard week and you just need the release of a good hard spanking session, but it is extremely rare to use BDSM as an outlet for dealing with childhood abuse or anger issues.

Everyone goes through shit from time to time and yes, some *may* be using BDSM to deal with past issues, but not all of us do.

So now that we have debunked these 5 myths, you can start to shed any preconceived notions which you may have had and start to see that there is no set category which really defines a kinkster: If you’re interested in kink, there are many aspects of BDSM which you can play with and explore.

Core philosophies to take away from this piece:

Consent, individuality and exploration will get you further than assuming anything to be true.

One Comment Add yours

  1. flygirl says:

    Great piece!

    In my opinion this ought to be mandatory reading for everyone who is curious and interested in the fetish scene; first-timers certainly and particularly for a great many of the recent “50 Shades” influx of wannabe “doms/dominas” who are playing at clubs and parties without any understanding of what “scene play” is about and seem to think they know everything about “fetish”. It’s not good for the scene and it’s certainly not good for the poor inexperienced subs they abuse!

    (Maybe we introduce a “Licence to Play” as a standard of competence…? 🙂

    Like

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